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Understanding the dynamics of relationships is crucial for building a lasting marriage. The "His Needs, Her Needs" form serves as an invaluable tool in this journey, focusing on the emotional requirements of both partners. It invites couples to identify and articulate what they need from each other to foster intimacy and connection. By exploring essential themes such as affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, and recreational companionship, the form encourages openness in discussions that many couples might shy away from. Additionally, it emphasizes the importance of emotional needs like family commitment and physical attractiveness, while also highlighting values such as honesty and admiration. This structured approach recognizes that romantic love is not simply a matter of chance; it requires conscious effort and understanding. With the guidance of Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., couples embark on a six-session exploration aimed at revitalizing their relationships. As participants engage with the material, they will learn practical skills to ensure their marriage not only survives but thrives, leading to a happier, more fulfilling connection.

His Needs Her Needs Example

PARTICIPANT’S GUIDE

BUILDING AN AFFAIR - PROOF MARRIAGE

( A SIX-SESSION STUDY )

Willard F. Harley, Jr.

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Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.

© 2013 by Baker Publishing Group

Published by Revell

a division of Baker Publishing Group

P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287 www.revellbooks.com

Printed in the United States of America

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording— without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

ISBN 978-0-8007-2100-8

The internet addresses, email addresses, and phone numbers in this book are accurate at the time of publication. They are provided as a resource. Baker Publishing Group does not endorse them or vouch for their content or permanence.

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Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.

Contents

 

Welcome to a Brand-New Marriage 7

 

How This Works

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1

The Love Bank

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Affection and Sexual Fulfillment 17

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Intimate Conversation 23

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Recreational Companionship 29

5Family Commitment and Physical Attractiveness 35

6 Honesty and Admiration 41

The Wrap-Up 47

Emotional Needs Questionnaire 49

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Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.

Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.

Welcome to a

Brand-New Marriage

What must a couple do to stay happily married?

Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., poses that question in the preface to his bestselling book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage. Why? Because everyone wants a happy marriage, but less than 25 percent of couples actually experience that. By the time most couples have been married five years, they’re wondering if a happy marriage over the long haul is even possible.

Marriage in the real world is a lot of things, but truthfully, we all know it isn’t always happy. In fact, over half of marriages end in divorce and another one-third remain disappointing throughout life. That leaves about one successful marriage in five. Romantic love is fragile and requires special care to continue throughout life.

Most of us have very little, if any, training on how to make mar- riage work. Despite the fact that marriage is the deepest relational commitment we make in life, it often feels like we’re just winging it—sometimes with disastrous results. Passionate and fulfilling marriages are not achieved by chance. Leaving things to chance creates problems.

You and your spouse can do what it takes to be in love with each other for the rest of your lives. The key is to rekindle romantic love for one another, and the key to that is learning to identify and meet each other’s most important emotional needs. In this series, Dr. Harley will give you a program that will help you create and sustain romantic love.

Dr. Harley is a nationally acclaimed clinical psychologist, marriage counselor, and author. His signature book His Needs, Her Needs

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Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.

Welcome to a Brand-New Marriage

has been called the best book on marriage ever! More than three million copies of His Needs, Her Needs have been sold, and there is no telling how many marriages have been revived, restored, or enhanced because of the principles Dr. Harley shares in this classic book. On their daily radio call-in show, Marriage Builders Radio, Dr. Harley and his wife, Joyce, offer practical solutions and suggestions to almost any marital problem. But perhaps the most impressive qualification he and Joyce bring to the topic of marriage is that they themselves have remained happily married for over fifty years. If you spend any time with them at all, you will quickly discover that their relationship continues to be fresh, vibrant, and fun.

Do you want a marriage like that? Or have you given up hope that a romantic and passionate relationship is even possible anymore? Well, Bill and Joyce Harley will not give up on you.

His Needs, Her Needs identifies the ten most vital emotional needs for men and women and shows husbands and wives how to satisfy those needs in their spouses. In this series based on His Needs, Her Needs, you’ll learn to love each other more cre- atively and more sensitively, and you’ll see that it’s possible to virtually eliminate the problems that often lead to extramarital affairs and divorce. As you watch these videos and work through the sessions together, you’ll be given the amazing opportunity to improve the present condition of your marriage—regardless of how great or how challenging it currently is.

As the director of this video series, I can tell you that since meeting Bill and Joyce Harley and working on these principles, my twenty-five-year marriage to my wife, Judy, has never been sweeter. I appreciate the Harleys—and I’m sure you will too.

John Grooters

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Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.

How This

Works

The Group Experience

Step 1: Watch the videos and learn from Dr. Harley and his wife, Joyce.

These videos were produced in a style that simulates how the Harleys would teach if they could personally lead your small group. By filming with three real-life couples (one in their twenties, one in their thirties, and one in their forties), they were able to share with and react to couples who were willing to engage in this process.

Step 2: Engage in small group discussion.

Real-life marriage counseling is a private encounter—few cou- ples want to reveal their marital problems to a group. Therefore, it is important that your small group agree to some basic ground rules going into this study to protect each other’s privacy.

LEARN

ENGAGE

The Personal Experience

Step 3: Work on this individually.

Do your homework. Each of you should have your own partici- pant’s guide, and you’ll find that some questions are specifically designed for you as individuals. Take the time to answer those questions. It would also be helpful to have your own copy of His Needs, Her Needs.

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REFLECT

Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.

GROUND RULES

Atmosphere of Respect

Please remember to always be respectful of your spouse. Nobody should hear you fight! Also, remem- ber that no marriage is perfect. You are not trying to outshine or compete with the other couples in the room. We are here to encourage and support one another, to build up marriages that are blessed by God.

Spousal Privilege

In a courtroom, the private conversations between a husband and wife are not permitted to be aired publicly or entered as evidence. If it’s not appro- priate in the courtroom, it’s not appropriate in the classroom. Group time is not the time for you to air the dirty laundry of your marriage, and particularly not the time to criticize or condemn your spouse.

Confidentiality

What happens in the group stays in the group. By treating one another with respect and confidential- ity, you will create a true sense of community and an honest bond between couples. Anything shared outside the group becomes gossip. Don’t go there.

Professional Supervision

A note on professional supervision or counseling: if you find yourself or your spouse emotionally upset throughout this process, or if you find yourself reluc- tant to provide honest reactions, please seek profes- sional supervision. Your pastor, for example, should be able to guide you to a qualified professional.

Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.

How This Works

There are three questionnaires that will be helpful as you work through these sessions. You’ll find the first one on page 49, and the other two are available as free downloads at Dr. Harley’s Marriage Builders website (www.marriagebuilders.com). Take the time to fill out these questionnaires during the appropriate weeks.

The Together Experience

Step 4: Work on this together.

Schedule a date night later in the week when you discuss your homework with one another. For each of the next six weeks (at least), designate a date night when the two of you will share your answers or surveys and talk through the questions in the “To Consider Together” section.

These may well be the most focused and informative conversa- tions you’ve had with one another since your first date!

What goes on for the rest of your date night is up to you. If you have kids, they are not invited. Get a babysitter.

Good Old-Fashioned Follow-Through

Dr. Harley says that he doesn’t believe in “insight therapy” as an effective way to resolve marital conflict—he believes in “action therapy.” Insight is a good beginning, but it’s what you do that solves your problem.

If a doctor prescribes an antibiotic and you agree that it would kill an infection you have but never actually take the medicine, you will never experience its benefits. It is easy to just listen and agree with sound advice. It’s a whole different thing to put it into practice.

Decide to practice this teaching, not just learn it. It’s well worth the effort!

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RELATE

Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.

Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.

Form Characteristics

Fact Name Detail
Author The form was created by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Purpose This guide aims to help couples build a stronger, affair-proof marriage.
Content Structure The form includes a six-session study to address emotional needs in marriage.
Emotional Needs Methods to identify and meet each other’s emotional needs are emphasized.
Love Bank Concept A central theme is the "Love Bank," which illustrates how couples build or deplete love over time.
Publication Year The guide was published in 2012 by Baker Publishing Group.
ISBN The ISBN for the participant’s guide is 978-0-8007-2100-8.
Divorce Statistics It notes that over half of marriages end in divorce, highlighting the need for guidance.
Resources Provided The guide includes an Emotional Needs Questionnaire to assist couples.

Guidelines on Utilizing His Needs Her Needs

Filling out the His Needs, Her Needs form is an important step toward understanding and improving your marriage. By carefully considering and articulating each partner’s emotional needs, couples can work together to create a deeper emotional connection. Follow these steps to complete the form accurately and thoughtfully.

  1. Begin by reading the introductory section of the form. Take a moment to reflect on the purpose of the exercise and how it relates to your relationship.
  2. Locate the section designated for each partner. There will usually be distinct areas labeled “His Needs” and “Her Needs.”
  3. One partner should start by identifying their top five emotional needs. Consider needs such as affection, conversation, and respect. Write these down in the designated spaces.
  4. Once the first partner has completed their section, switch roles. The second partner should now list their own top five emotional needs.
  5. Review both lists together. Discuss the needs identified by each partner and reflect on how they impact your relationship.
  6. Agree on ways to meet each other’s emotional needs. Consider discussing specific actions or changes that can be made to support one another.
  7. Finally, set a time to revisit this form and assess how well you have been meeting each other’s needs. This reflection will help foster ongoing communication in the future.

What You Should Know About This Form

What is the His Needs Her Needs form?

The His Needs Her Needs form is a tool designed to help couples identify and understand each other's emotional needs in a marriage. Based on Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.'s work, it encourages partners to communicate openly about their preferences and desires. This understanding can lead to a stronger, more fulfilling marital relationship. The form is part of a program that aims to rekindle romantic love and prevent affairs by focusing on mutual satisfaction and support.

How does the form help with communication in marriage?

The His Needs Her Needs form fosters better communication by prompting couples to discuss their emotional needs in a structured way. When partners take the time to fill out the form, they reflect on what makes them feel loved and valued. This reflection opens up discussions that might not happen otherwise. By addressing these needs, couples can build empathy and understanding, which can reduce misunderstandings and conflicts.

What are some key emotional needs outlined in the program?

The program identifies several key emotional needs that are crucial for a strong marriage. These include affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, recreational companionship, family commitment, physical attractiveness, honesty, and admiration. Each need plays a significant role in how partners connect with one another. Acknowledging these needs allows couples to create a balanced and nurturing environment for their relationship.

Can the His Needs Her Needs form improve a struggling marriage?

Yes, the His Needs Her Needs form can be especially beneficial for couples facing difficulties. It provides a clear framework for partners to evaluate their relationship and identify areas that may require attention. By openly discussing their needs and desires, couples can re-establish connection and intimacy. This approach encourages problem-solving together rather than allowing issues to fester silently.

How often should couples revisit the His Needs Her Needs form?

Common mistakes

Filling out the His Needs Her Needs form can be a crucial step in understanding and nurturing a marriage. However, many individuals make common mistakes that may hinder the effectiveness of this process. Here are ten mistakes to watch for while completing the form.

First and foremost, people often overlook the importance of honesty. When participants don't provide truthful answers, they miss out on opportunities for growth. The form aims to facilitate open communication, and avoiding honesty can lead to misunderstandings later. Genuine responses create a solid foundation for discussions.

Next, some individuals fail to consider their partner's perspective. By focusing solely on their own needs, they risk neglecting what their spouse truly values. The form requires a balanced view. It’s essential to think about how both partners contribute to the relationship, ensuring that both sets of needs are addressed.

A third mistake comes from skipping the reflection process. Some rush through the form, not taking the time to contemplate their feelings and experiences. This can lead to superficial answers, which do not provide meaningful insights into the marriage. A few moments of reflection can result in richer discussions later.

Another common error involves vague answers. When participants use broad terms instead of specific examples, the results become less actionable. Clear and concrete responses create a better picture of needs and wants. It's more helpful to elaborate on feelings and provide scenarios that clarify what matters most.

Additionally, people sometimes confuse wants with needs. The worksheet is designed to identify true emotional needs, not mere desires. Differentiating between the two is crucial. Recognizing this distinction can lead to more impactful and fulfilling conversations about what each partner requires for emotional fulfillment.

A lack of prioritization is another mistake. Some individuals list needs without considering which are most important. The focus should be on identifying the top priorities, allowing couples to address the most significant needs first. Without prioritizing, discussions can become overwhelming or unfocused.

Another issue often arises from not discussing the form together after completion. Individuals may fill it out independently but neglect to sit down with their spouse to compare and discuss responses. This shared dialogue is where real understanding can develop—without it, the form loses much of its value.

It's also important to avoid making assumptions about what the partner needs. Relying on previous experiences or stereotypes can lead to incorrect conclusions. Instead, open and honest dialogue about each other’s needs is essential. This helps to clear up any misconceptions that might exist.

Lastly, some people view the form as a one-time exercise rather than a starting point for ongoing discussions. Marriage is a dynamic relationship that requires continuous effort. Revisiting the needs forms regularly ensures that both partners remain attuned to each other’s evolving emotional needs.

Being mindful of these common pitfalls can help partners make the most out of the His Needs Her Needs form. Embracing honesty, perspective-sharing, and ongoing dialogue fosters a deeper connection that can lead to a more satisfying and successful marriage.

Documents used along the form

In addition to the His Needs Her Needs form, several other documents and forms can support individuals and couples in enhancing their relationships. Each document serves a specific purpose and can contribute to a deeper understanding of emotional needs and relationship dynamics.

  • Emotional Needs Questionnaire: A tool designed to help individuals identify their emotional needs and preferences. Completing this questionnaire can lead to better communication between partners.
  • Relationship Inventory: A comprehensive assessment that examines various aspects of a relationship. It often covers communication styles, conflict resolution, and emotional support.
  • Goal Setting Worksheet: This worksheet aids couples in setting shared goals for their relationship. It encourages collaboration and helps align partners' visions for the future.
  • Communication Skills Checklist: A practical guide that outlines effective communication strategies. It serves as a reminder to practice respectful and open dialogue with one another.
  • Boundaries Agreement: A document outlining the personal boundaries of each partner. It promotes respect for individual needs and space within the relationship.
  • Conflict Resolution Guide: A set of strategies for resolving disagreements in a healthy manner. It offers techniques to reach mutual understanding and compromise.
  • Affection Action Plan: This plan encourages partners to express affection regularly. It includes ideas and suggestions to enhance physical and emotional intimacy.
  • Time Together Planner: A scheduling tool for planning quality time together. This document helps couples prioritize their relationship and maintain connection over busy schedules.
  • Appreciation Journal: A simple journal for each partner to record things they appreciate about the other. Sharing entries can foster gratitude and strengthen emotional bonds.

These documents serve as valuable resources in the journey toward a fulfilling and lasting relationship. Utilizing them can promote understanding, communication, and partnership, contributing to the overall health of the marriage.

Similar forms

  • Emotional Needs Assessment: Similar to the His Needs Her Needs form, this document helps individuals identify and communicate their emotional requirements in a relationship. Both tools aim to enhance understanding between partners.
  • Marriage Assessment Questionnaire: This document evaluates various aspects of a couple's relationship. Like the His Needs Her Needs form, it prompts honest discussions around needs, desires, and expectations, facilitating deeper connection.
  • Relationship Satisfaction Survey: This survey assesses overall satisfaction within a marriage. Much like the His Needs Her Needs form, it encourages reflection on needs and highlights areas for improvement.
  • Couples Communication Guide: This guide provides strategies for effective communication. It parallels the His Needs Her Needs form by emphasizing the importance of discussing emotional needs to strengthen the bond.
  • Conflict Resolution Toolkit: This document offers methods for resolving disputes. Similar to the His Needs Her Needs form, it underscores the importance of recognizing and addressing emotional needs to prevent conflicts.
  • Love Languages Assessment: This assessment helps partners identify their preferred ways of expressing and receiving love. The connection to the His Needs Her Needs form lies in the focus on emotional fulfillment and understanding each other's preferences.
  • Intimacy Inventory: This tool evaluates intimacy levels in a relationship. In parallel to the His Needs Her Needs form, it encourages couples to discuss their emotional and physical intimacy needs openly.
  • Values and Priorities Worksheet: This worksheet assists couples in aligning core values and priorities. Like the His Needs Her Needs form, it fosters dialogue about what matters most to each partner in the context of their relationship.
  • Personal Reflection Journal: This journal prompts self-reflection on personal needs and goals within the relationship. Similar to the His Needs Her Needs form, it encourages individuals to think critically about their emotional needs and how to communicate them effectively.

Dos and Don'ts

When filling out the His Needs Her Needs form, there are certain actions that can enhance the experience and others to avoid. Here’s a list to guide you.

  • Do be honest about your feelings and needs.
  • Do take your time when answering each question.
  • Do discuss your thoughts with your partner after completion.
  • Do ensure you are both in a calm and open mindset.
  • Do write clearly to avoid confusion.
  • Don’t rush through the form.
  • Don’t focus on blame or past grievances.
  • Don’t ignore your partner’s needs when discussing.
  • Don’t withhold your true feelings to avoid conflict.

Misconceptions

Misconceptions often cloud important concepts, and the His Needs Her Needs form is no exception. Here are five common misconceptions addressed:

  1. The form is only for troubled marriages. Many believe that the His Needs Her Needs form is solely useful for couples in crisis. In reality, it's beneficial for any couple seeking to strengthen their relationship, regardless of current dynamics.
  2. It focuses only on emotional needs. While the primary goal is to identify emotional needs, the form also emphasizes practical aspects of a relationship, such as affection and companionship, which are crucial for a healthy partnership.
  3. Using the form is a one-time process. Some think that completing the form just once is sufficient. However, maintaining a thriving marriage requires ongoing discussions and reevaluation of needs, making it a revisitable and evolving tool.
  4. It guarantees immediate results. Couples often expect rapid improvements after utilizing the form. Transformation takes time and commitment; this process is about creating sustainable change, not instant fixes.
  5. The form is rigid and prescriptive. Many fear that the guidelines are too strict, leaving no room for individual circumstances. In truth, the His Needs Her Needs form allows for personalized adjustments based on each couple's unique relationship dynamics.

Understanding these misconceptions can help couples approach the His Needs Her Needs form with clarity and intent, enhancing the overall effectiveness of their efforts in building a fulfilling partnership.

Key takeaways

Here are some key takeaways about filling out and using the His Needs Her Needs form:

  • Understand Emotional Needs: The form helps identify and understand the emotional needs of both partners in a marriage.
  • Encourage Open Communication: Discussing each partner's needs fosters better communication and understanding.
  • Support Relationship Growth: By filling out the form, couples can actively work toward strengthening their bond and relationship.
  • Track Progress: Regularly reviewing the form allows couples to see changes and improvements over time.
  • Enhance Romantic Love: Recognizing and fulfilling each other's needs is crucial for maintaining a passionate and fulfilling marriage.